Posts Tagged ‘Humor’

Life Doesn’t Suck Right Now

Posted: August 11, 2012 in Humor, Work
Tags: , ,

It’s kind of hard to rant when things are going good.  It’s also difficult to have a “Rant” blog when I don’t have anything to rant about.

Oh, I could go on about the elections, the candidates, the VP nominee, but this isn’t a political blog.  There are enough people writing about that and seriously, what could I add to that circus.

I could rant about my DirecTV service and the lousy reception and pixeling I’m encountering, and the delayed reaction using the remote control, but right now, I just don’t care.  Besides, in a couple of months, I’m going to be dropping them all together.

I could go on about buying a bag of potato chips that looks and feels like a full bag, until you open it, let all the air out only to find 3 whole chips and a half a bag of chip crumbs.

I could complain about all the crap that gets put on Facebook.  You know.  Page suggestions, who’s playing what game and all the meme images posted.  I could, but I kind of enjoy some of that crap.

So why is it that life doesn’t suck right now?

Well some of my previous posts have been about looking for work and not getting noticed.  Ads soliciting qualified people in a certain field.  Experience I had, only to be ignored.  Posts about possible ageism and discrimination against the older worker and those who have been unemployed for a lengthy period of time.  Life doesn’t suck right now because I can finally say I’m back to work, full time, in my field with benefits.

Also, and this is huge.  At age 58, I’m one of the young pups at my new job.  With the exception of a few people, like the Big T, a 21 year old, I’m actually one of the younger ones.  It’s great to know that there are companies that value the experience of the older worker and their contributions they (we) have made to the workplace.

While I would love to rant about something evil, or the drama about Chick-Fil-A not being open on Sunday and their views on Gay Rights, or the wars, or who is or isn’t a patriot or why my favorite TV show got cancelled, or why Netflix doesn’t have more to watch, or class warfare, or who in Hollywood is getting married, divorced, having a baby or adopting a child from a third world country, right now I really don’t freaking care.

I’m in a good place right now and for the time being I just want to enjoy that.  I’m sure something will come along shortly that will set me off on a rant and when that happens, you’ll hear about it.

So for now…….Be Happy

 

Remember to Poop

Posted: May 23, 2012 in Food, Humor
Tags: ,

I read a blog post by someone today (because I enjoy it) and he was ranting and raving and just downright pissed off at people who don’t eat healthy.  On and on about how eating unhealthy contributes to all the ills of society,  health costs and apparently the end of mankind.  What a crock of shit.  Okay, there might be some truth to that, but sometimes you have to just enjoy.  You can’t spend your whole day eating avocados and bean sprouts.  You have to do things in moderation.  So with that in mind, here’s what a gastronomic adventure should look like:

7:00 a.m

Chicken Fried Steak and Eggs

Chicken Fried Steak and Eggs

What better way to start your day off then with a large breakfast.  It is the most important meal of the day.  A good breakfast should also include lots of gravy.  One of my favorite breakfasts’ is a healthy dose of Chicken Fried Steak and Eggs, home fries, and a large biscuit.  One of my favorite places for this great breakfast is the Black Bear Diner. For a chain restaurant, it has some of the best home style cooking around.  So, is this healthy?  It can be if you:

9 a. m.

Toilet 1

Remember to Poop

1 p.m.

Homemade Burger

George’s Homemade Bacon Cheeseburger

There are so many choices for lunch.  Salads, some great soups (broccoli and cheddar) fish and chips and so much more.  However, you can’t go wrong with a fantastic burger.  I’m not talking Burger King or any fast food burger, (except for Dicks Hamburgers in Spokane).  I’m talking hand formed ground meat, slightly pink on the inside, juices dripping onto your plate and well seasoned.  But for those of you who feel you need to eat healthier, just add some bean sprouts to the burger.  I know, it’s not very healthy, unless you:

3 p.m.

Lunch Poop

Remember to Poop

7 p.m.

Steak Dinner

Fine Dining Steakhouse Dinner

What better way to end your gastronomic adventure then with a great steak at an upscale steakhouse.  Here in Portland one of my favorites has been the Ringside on Burnside Street.  Juicy and reddish pink on the inside.  (yes that is a description of the steak).  Accompanied with the baked potato loaded with all the goodies, fresh bread and a glass of wine, it’s a perfect way to satisfy your culinary trip for healthy dining.  So with respect to the blogger writing about healthy eating, even his diet of bean sprouts and Grape Nuts isn’t healthy unless of course you:

9 p.m.

Dinner Poop

Remember to Poop

COVER LETTER

Dear Sir, Madam, Mr. Ms. or Computer Software Program designed to parse the snippets of my life:

Please find attached my resume for the position advertised.  As you can see on my resume and with all of the “Key Words” I’ve used, I am well qualified for this amazing opportunity.  Just in case you haven’t seen my resume yet, here they are:

Salesman, Hunter, Experienced, Regional, Territory, Quota, Driven, Motivated, Hungry, Exceptional, Successful, Driven (used twice to show I’m Driven), Computer Literate, Plays Well with others and I’ve seen Wall Street three times.

First of all I am 58 years old.  Holy shit, we can’t talk about age.  That’s the Holy Grail of HR no, no’s.  Seriously, I know you’ve already done the mental math and feel there is no need for further consideration but let me continue.  You won’t be disappointed.

Second, I know about Facebook, Twitter, Foursquare, WordPress, Google+, Yahoo, Bing, Reddit, Delicious, Flickr, YouTube, Pandora, Spotify, Posterous, StumbleUpon and several more.  I’m pretty sure I created a user name and password for all of them, but I’m not sure.  You get the idea, not all 50’s and uppers are unaware of Social Media and popular computer and web app’s.

I am also very familiar with how to use the internet for research and information.  In fact, I’m pretty well-known there as gar54.  I wanted to be car54, but that was already taken.  Do you remember the show “Car 54 Where Are You”?  The same guy that played Herman Munster was on that show.  You remember Herman Munster don’t you?  No?  Okay, moving on.

I know what a newspaper is, not just the one’s on my iPad.

I know what an iPad is.

I have some college background and I know how to spell it without spell check.

I know not to use “I” all of the time, but then again this is about me, telling you, about ME.

Reliable transportation, yes, I have it and it’s paid for.  Plus it’s a real car, not one of those Kia’s that Hamsters like to drive.

When I was six, I had the Chicken Pox.

When I wear my dress up clothes and shave, I look pretty good for someone my age.  Oops, there I go again talking about my years of life, but I’m kind of proud of that achievement.  Sorry, me bad.

Finally, I’m a fun person that would be more than happy to go out after work with the gang and hang while drinking 64 calorie beer and eating nachos.

So call me.

Comfort Food

Posted: March 22, 2012 in Food, Humor
Tags: ,

Salads, vegetables, fruit.  I like them all, really.  I also know I should eat more of them.  But I’m sorry.  I like food that has some substance to it.  Meat, potatoes with thick gravy, burgers and chili dogs with cheese and onions and big, thick juicy steaks (when I can afford them).  Oh, and let’s not forget anything barbecued!  That’s eating.

I know there are all these health studies saying that this is bad and that’s bad and then they contradict themselves with a new study saying maybe they were wrong.  Don’t drink alcohol, well maybe just one drink a day.  Don’t use salt, well maybe just a little.  Don’t drink coffee.  Oh, actually it’s good for you.  Do these people who do these studies even know?

We are so convinced now a days that everything is bad for us.  Hockey Puck.  Maybe a lot of overindulgence is bad, but in moderation, what’s the problem.  Instead of 2 chili dogs, just eat one.  Instead of super sizing the fries, get a small order.  That’s all you need to do.  Keep it moderate.  Really.  Instead of a whole box of Ho Ho’s, just eat half the box.

Have you ever noticed that the loneliest place at a buffet is the salad bar.  There’s a fricken reason for that.  Who goes to a buffet for a salad?  Where’s the longer line at;  Mcdonalds or McSalads?  Burger King or Salad King?  I think you know.

THE STEAK PALACE:

Waiter:  “May I take your order”?

Customer:  “Yes, I’d like a small dinner salad and a cup of soup, no bread”.

Waiter:  “You do realize you are at the FUCKING STEAK PALACE”!!!

I guess my point is that one of the few things we can enjoy is good food.  Why do we want to piss off our taste buds with stuff that is meant for rabbits.  Salads, fruit and vegetables should be done in moderation.  So until we get our daily nutritional requirements from a little pill, I’m going to enjoy some red meat, potatoes and thick gravy.

After all, this is not the year 2525.

ROAD RAGE!!!!!!

Posted: March 11, 2012 in Driving, Humor
Tags: , , , , ,

Warning!  The rest of this post may contain some offensive language.  After all, it is a part of Road Rage.

Pleasant drives almost don’t exist anymore.  With all the traffic and everyone in a hurry to get to nowhere, or worse, work, the roads are filled with a bunch of inconsiderate fucking idiots.  It seems like there are an unlimited number jackwads on the roads today.  I’ve done a lot of road trips in my day and continue to do so and I am constantly amazed at the shit that I see out there.  Some of my favorites:

THE OLD MAN IN A HAT DRIVING A CHRYSLER:

Okay, they don’t drive Chrysler’s anymore.  Now they drive a Lexus, but the concepts is the same.  YOU DON’T WANT TO BE ANYWHERE NEAR THEM.  If you happen to be following one they won’t be doing the speed limit. They’ll be in the left lane doing 15 miles an hour BELOW the limit.  AND they’ll have their left turn signal on the whole time. Don’t be in a position where you’re next to them either because when they change lanes they just go. No looking or signaling (except for the blinker that’s been on the whole time).  Some other old man in a hat driving adventures:  slowing down a half a mile before they need to make a turn, sitting through three light changes trying to make a left turn and finally, why do they always have a fucking poodle in their lap.

TAILGATING

Tailgating is really a pet peeve of mine.  There never has been a valid reason to drive up quickly on someone and then just sit on their bumper.  The offending tailgater is almost always driving an over sized SUV so all you see in your rear view mirror is one big ass grill.  I see this one a lot on the freeways and the really stupid thing is, they can always move into another lane, especially if the old man in a hat driving a Lexus won’t move over.

PUT YOUR FUCKING MAKE-UP ON BEFORE YOU LEAVE HOME

Enough said.

TRUCKS

Now, first of all, I have the utmost respect for big rig drivers.  Most are some of the safest drivers on the road. MOST.  There are however a couple of things they like to do that really piss me off.  Living here in Oregon we get a lot of rain.  Bet you didn’t know that, but we do.  So why is it that these guys always have to drive in the center lane on the freeways.  You know that they splash a lot of water, so now, whatever lane you’re in, your windshield is going to get so wet that no matter what speed your wipers are on, you still won’t be able to see.  But the one thing they do that sends me into a fucking, screaming frenzy is one truck passing another truck.  Okay, that’s no big deal.  The big deal is when on a two lane freeway, they decide to do it right at the beginning of a long, steep uphill grade.  Guess what?  He won’t be able to pass.  No, he’ll just slow down and slow down and slow down and the two of them will be going 10 miles an hour all the way up the damn hill.  HEY IDIOT.  Turn down your Willie Nelson CD and pay attention.

OTHER GRIEVOUS INFRACTIONS

Speeding through a school zone:  They should be arrested.

Not pulling over for emergency vehicles:  Shoot em!

Rap music playing so loud I can’t hear the emergency vehicle in a school zone:  Take away their fucking iPod.

Not stopping for pedestrians in a cross walk:  Cane them.

Not stopping for pedestrians not in a cross walk:  Award them points.

Finally, I’ve picked on Lexus drivers.  I really don’t have anything against people who drive a Lexus.  I’m sure they are good people.  Actually, i’ts Volvo drivers I can’t fucking stand.